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Love is an amazing feeling that brings joy and happiness, and it's considered the most significant thing in the world. However, love can be challenging and frustrating at times, especially when it comes to marriage. The question is, how can we make love last, and what misconceptions about love should we avoid to maintain a loving relationship that endures the test of time? Jonah Lehrer, the author of Imagine and How We Decide, can shed some light on this topic. In his latest book, A Book About Love, he reveals some unromantic yet valuable insights into making real relationships work. Although it may not be a fairy tale, we can still learn how to get closer to that perfect relationship. Most people focus on finding the perfect partner by asking questions like, "Do they have the same taste in music or movies?" However, research shows that similarity is not a significant factor in making a relationship last.
Despite the belief that matching personalities and preferences leads to relationship success, studies have shown otherwise. For example, pairing individuals who prefer Judd Apatow's movies with others who feel the same way does not impact relationship well-being. Similarly, research conducted on twenty-three thousand married couples in 2010 revealed that spouse similarity accounted for less than half a percent of spousal satisfaction. Essentially, what we think we want in a partner - someone who mirrors our interests and personality traits - is not necessarily what we need for a successful relationship. Rejecting a potential partner because they prefer Coldplay over Radiohead is unwise. The failure of online dating websites' algorithms to find compatible matches highlights the flawed belief that similarity is key to relationship success.
When searching for a compatible partner, many believe that having shared interests will prevent issues from arising. However, it's inevitable that problems will arise in any long-term relationship. Therefore, the only crucial similarity is in the area of "meta-emotions," as referred to by researchers. Essentially, this refers to how you feel about feelings. It's important to find someone who handles emotions in the same manner as you.
John Guttman of the University of Washington has gathered convincing evidence that meta-emotions are real signaling variables for predicting marital stability. Do you think you should express your anger, or should you hold back and wait for it to go away? Do you think joy should be shared but anger should be suppressed? In long-term relationships, you should worry less about traits that reduce the likelihood of conflict and more about finding someone who has the same conflict management style. Because there are always some, it's like old age. You can't avoid it. Therefore the wise man does not think, how can I live forever? “What’s the best way to deal with this?”
“Choosing a partner means choosing a set of problems,” said Daniel Wilde. There is no partner who doesn't fight, get angry or complain. The question is how to deal with these problems. Gottman discovered that people with a high-conflict metaemotional style have a very difficult time dealing with conflict. Even small provocations turn into big fights. It suddenly explodes because one partner wants to express it and the other feels they have to stop. On the other hand, when people have compatible metaemotional styles, that is, when they agree on how to express their emotions, they can ease tensions before they become too big and dangerous.
Yes, fighting is good. Even the little things. Yes that is correct. Scientists have found that spouses who complain more about the little things end up having more stable relationships. In contrast, couples with a high negativity threshold (who only complain about serious problems) are significantly more likely to divorce. If you haven't fought at all, there's a good chance you'll fight in your divorce case. If you haven't argued after three years of dating, it's a sign of an unhealthy relationship. At this point, you no longer need to hold your farts. You're quite friendly. You've probably seen their fur grow and you've probably smelled their morning breath. You don't hold anything back. So not fighting is often a sign to back off. In some ways, complaints and arguments in intimate relationships can be seen as the only way to show that you care about someone. Arguments are normal and natural, not a sign of impending doom. There is no such thing as a problem-free relationship. In other words, if you spend years together and still don't argue, that means you're not communicating.
If you want a pure example of the limelight, it's Romeo and Juliet. She falls in love in no time. He sees and knows. He comes in and starts speaking in iambic pentameter. When you meet someone, your heart starts pounding, your palms sweat, and your midbrain experiences a burst of dopamine. You rise so high and you are sure: they are your soulmate. It feels very romantic. It was love at first sight. And that's what movies have always been about. Thinking about soulmates and obsessing over the dynamic is so romantic. This is also laziness. It's about the idea: "If I find the right person, I don't have to fight, change or work." This leads to a lime problem. Arranged marriages are created with the understanding that love is hard work and that love will not come by itself. Since they barely know the person, they have no illusions that they don't have to worry. Instead, they inevitably find that it takes effort. I don't want my children to live in an arranged marriage, but the attitude they develop, the idea that love is work, is the right attitude.
